The title of this only one person could probably guess what it means. My roommate is so entertained by my life. I have some of the most surreal moments in my life and I tend to tell her allll about it.
This morning I woke up at 7:30 am, after falling asleep somewhere around the 3 am hour, and realized that my class was starting. Naturally, I rolled over and went back to sleep. I felt that I had slept for hours and looked at the clock to see that it was 8:45 am. I got up for my 7:30 that is also offered at 9:30 and I don't just skip class for no reason.
After waking up slightly disturbed that I couldn't sleep, I opened the Exponent and saw that DONALD TRUMP is a candidate for Republican presidential candidate?! I was sooo confused and really did not believe what was going on. I read the article and still did not know what to think and decided to eat a bagel instead of thinking about it anymore.
I got back from class today and it hit me in the face. I am done with my classes. I'm officially a junior, seeing as though I will not fail my finals. After this summer I will be somewhere in between a my two junior semesters due to credits, but go figure, this year I was surrounded by freshmen. I'm shocked at this revelation only because it means I have to grow up. I have to decide what I want to do with my life. I have to have responsibilities. I absolutely love college. I pretty much have all the freedom I could ask for (once I get out of my current living conditions) and I don't really have to think about what I'm doing other than what is going on in my classes. I can act and then think. Soon, well maybe not /that/ soon, I will not be able to do that. I will have a real job, real bills, and a real life. College really is the best years of my life. I don't want to think about leaving this era of my life.
One of my really good friends here is a guy. I love him to death! His name is David, but since for the first month I knew him I thought his name was Zak, I still call him Zak. He is in my phonebook as Zak, and many times I refer to him as Zak. We had a Den pop run today. When we have these, they are the highlight of my week! I get to spend time away from estrogen and drama, I get to be outside, walking around, enjoying nature without having to survive in it. It was raining on and off today, so I was getting scared we wouldn't be able to handle it, but we made it! Den pop runs last until either of us have a commitment to get back to and we just wander campus, people watch, and building explore. I love it. I learn so much about this campus just by walking with my friends, or taking a run after classes. I love Purdue, even though it rains all the time and it is really not the best weather at all.
Today I learned that I am really afraid of heights. I do not like having my feet off the ground and I don't like looking down and not seeing a wall. I walked to the top of Armstrong today, and since normally I love heights, I looked down. My stomach flipped inside out, up side down, and twisted into all sorts of knots. The walls around the top are all glass and has a metal railing at the top. It is scary to look down and not seeing anything really there, since you can see right through it. Thinking about this just makes me nervous! We stood at the top and looked down all the way to the basement . All my brain could do was fast forward into falling over the rail. I was so relieved to stand on concrete when we got back down to the outside. There is just something about controlling my fate I like to control, since my life fate is just totally random and at the moment, its not fun.
The coolest part about today, and kinda the reason this is titled this way, is the guy that sat next to me in my OLS review session today. Oh my, he was like almost perfect, except he was short. The running joke with my roommate is that I need to find a new type of guy to be attracted to. I like country boys and military boys. I seem to attract a lot of military boys, but nothing ever happens with them. Country boys are rare to come by because they are amazing. They are true gentlemen raised with morals and taught to be respectful. They know how to work hard and treat people right. If they are a true country boy, which I have met them, they know how to be men. But anyway, back to this guy. He was a country boy that was in the military. His only flaw: he was too short for me. I have this thing where the guy has to be a lot taller than me because the smallest pair of heels I own are 2.5" and I will not give up my heels. He sat there and talked about how we didn't care about the class, we were unmotivated, we wanted to go home, then he started talking to me. He was telling me that he wanted to go home this weekend so he could go mudding and fishing but he could because he had drill. Remember here, HE sat by ME! I didn't pick this guy, I did not stalk this guy, it just happened. Our professor started talking about drinking wine tonight, and this guy goes "I'd rather have a fifth of Jack before bed." He was perfect! Too bad that I will probably never see this guy again and I'm totally cool with that. It just gives me hope that these boys may actually exist outside my head.
I love my life, but even as much as I love my life, my friends, and my family, its always that one person you can't have that, when that is all you want for that moment, makes none of that matter. It sounds like I would give it all up for him, but its not like that at all. Its that he is the missing link to the perfection. I need all the links to make it perfect. I know that sometime it won't matter any longer, I know that sometime I will look back and see the strength I gained through all of it, but here, in this moment, right now, I would do anything for this current link, to make this the permanent link that I need. Its hard when he doesn't care, its hard when there is nothing you can do, its hard when you are surrounded by the people you love and love you and still feel like you need that one more, that one that makes you so happy you forget the moment that you are in, the life that is happening around you. Its that feeling where nothing else matters because you finally know what it feels like to be perfectly happy and worry free.
When its ripped out from underneath you with no warnings, no explanation, its the worst feeling in the world. I have had some pretty hard events in my life, and by no means am I feeling sorry for my life, had it not happened I would not be me, but this was the worst I have ever felt. Nothing mattered to me. Nothing was the same without him. I couldn't function, I couldn't focus, I couldn't drive, converse, think, rationalize. I know I drove my friends up the walls, and for that I really do apologize, but I know that they will always be there for me and I will always be there for them. I could have been really destructive from all this. I know I took it out on my academics, and I'm still paying for it. I didn't study, I didn't take notes, I didn't even stay at Purdue. I went home every weekend for a month, I went to Chicago just to go away, I took my spring break to live in denial, and I cried whenever I had to come back here. Purdue used to be my safe haven, away from all the things that I don't like and it was my own life. I didn't have a standard that I had to live up to. No one here judged anything I wanted to do. At any given moment, I can find a friend to hang out with. Then in a night, one night the whole thing changed. It became the one place I didn't want to be. My favorite part of life rejected me, not even to my face.
I've told myself over and over that I am a strong willed, bull headed, girl that deserves better than to be treated like trash. My friends, my dad, my doctor, shoot, everyone, has told me that I will be better off. I will take this summer to have amnesia. I am not ok with remembering any part of being with him yet. I cannot think of one time that I was unhappy, uncomfortable, or wished I was somewhere else when I was with him. Its his loss, and though right now I can't believe that myself, I know that eventually I will see it and feel it.
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